Weight: 258.0
Yesterday my diet went as planned... sort of. My training was completed, I stayed under my allotted calories, and I was in bed by 8pm. Unfortunately, I laid in bed with thoughts of my divorce being finalized the next morning.
By 10pm I was out of bed and watching TV. Then a massive wave of the emotions came over me... and I started eating. I struggled with my options. I even told myself, "there is no amount of food that will make me feel happy". This went on for about 15-20 minutes. Then it was like I "zoned-out". It all started with a large piece of cake I had seen sitting on the counter all day. As is my "usual style", one food turned into another and then I find myself in a binge. The cake was followed by a a grilled chicken breast, then I upped the ante and had a grilled chicken sandwich, which I chased with a glass of 2% chocolate milk and a fair amount of baked Doritos's.
I'm not sure why, but after the binge I was sleepy. I went back to bed and fell sound asleep within minutes.
So, this morning was our court date. Everything went smoother than I expected. It was merely a formality.... all the work is in the decree. I didn't want the divorce to happen. There was a small part of me that maliciously wanted to flaw the procedure to stop it, but I knew the end result would still be a divorce. Its weird how Erin and I can sit next to each other and have great conversations, yet we were sitting there in court to get a divorce on terms of "incompatible personalities". Nothing could be further from the truth. We have always gotten along well and when we're not TRYING to be difficult, we are the best of friends.
There was a series of questions the lawyer asked us, and we were told to answer, "Yes" or "No". The last question of each of us was, "Mr/Mrs Cox, are you requesting this court to grant you a divorce?". I was forced to lie, under oath, for the sake of what was "right". I don't want to be divorced, but it seems I have very little say in the matter of what happens in my life.
Needless to say, the morning rocked me. These eyes of mine have cried more in the last year than any man should have to in his life. What's done is done. I told myself, "today is a new day", but once again, somewhere along the path I let my emotions control my destiny.
The court procedure was surprisingly fast. I was home by 10am. I called a few close friends, hoping I could recruit someone to hang out with me. I didn't have much luck, so I put out a few more calls in an attempt to get a group of guys to go out and party tonight. Most of my friends are married and or have kids, so the short notice was no good for all but one. By noon I had only ate a turkey sandwich and a large can of V-8. I decided to get my cardio in, so I biked for 40 minutes. Covered 6.68 miles with an average pace of 10mph. The last mile I picked up Lulu and she did surprisingly well on the leash, considering I was on the bike.
Then my day took a turn for the worse. I started eating. Again, I sort of zoned-out and convinced myself it was okay to eat like an idiot, which I did. I'm to embarrassed to disclose what I consumed. I will say, after the bike ride I went to Sonic. From there I picked up Alison from school and we played at the park for an hour. After that we picked up Preston from daycare and played at the house till Erin showed up.
Not sure what happened, but Erin was being totally nice. She showed up with a Sonic sweet tea, which she knows I love. Normally Erin gets the kids stuff together as soon as she get here, but today she visited with us before leaving. She even went as far as getting some cleaning supplies and tried to get a stain out of the carpet. What the fuck is that all about? It seemed like we were back to being best friends, yet less than 8-hours earlier we were both standing in front of a judge. Am I the only one that thinks this is a little weird? One of my friends made sense of it. She said that even though I do not understand, Erin had a weight lifted off her shoulders. Admittedly... I can see what she means.
There was a feeling of "failure" from the prior night and afternoon binge. Even though I wasn't hungry I had a large supper. Once again, I don't want to disclose the food, but it was take out from Berry Hill Mexican Cafe. Other than that, no other food, but I have made an assault on some soda that has been in the refrigerator since I started the diet.
You might ask, "so, where does this leave you"?
Tomorrow is a new day. While writing todays notes, I have stopped several times to reflect on my thoughts. It almost feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, similar to what my friend suggested. For the first time I can admit I am an emotional eater and I recognized it. The problem is that I have not channelled the emotion(s) which trigger me to eat into something positive. Instead, I turn to my only vice, FOOD. I consciously allow myself to say it is okay to eat because "poor lil' Bill had a bad day". This is the type of bull-shit response you would expect from a 10-year old! It's has to STOP. I'm sick and tired, of being sick and tired.
Indeed, tomorrow is a new day.
Yesterday my diet went as planned... sort of. My training was completed, I stayed under my allotted calories, and I was in bed by 8pm. Unfortunately, I laid in bed with thoughts of my divorce being finalized the next morning.
By 10pm I was out of bed and watching TV. Then a massive wave of the emotions came over me... and I started eating. I struggled with my options. I even told myself, "there is no amount of food that will make me feel happy". This went on for about 15-20 minutes. Then it was like I "zoned-out". It all started with a large piece of cake I had seen sitting on the counter all day. As is my "usual style", one food turned into another and then I find myself in a binge. The cake was followed by a a grilled chicken breast, then I upped the ante and had a grilled chicken sandwich, which I chased with a glass of 2% chocolate milk and a fair amount of baked Doritos's.
I'm not sure why, but after the binge I was sleepy. I went back to bed and fell sound asleep within minutes.
So, this morning was our court date. Everything went smoother than I expected. It was merely a formality.... all the work is in the decree. I didn't want the divorce to happen. There was a small part of me that maliciously wanted to flaw the procedure to stop it, but I knew the end result would still be a divorce. Its weird how Erin and I can sit next to each other and have great conversations, yet we were sitting there in court to get a divorce on terms of "incompatible personalities". Nothing could be further from the truth. We have always gotten along well and when we're not TRYING to be difficult, we are the best of friends.
There was a series of questions the lawyer asked us, and we were told to answer, "Yes" or "No". The last question of each of us was, "Mr/Mrs Cox, are you requesting this court to grant you a divorce?". I was forced to lie, under oath, for the sake of what was "right". I don't want to be divorced, but it seems I have very little say in the matter of what happens in my life.
Needless to say, the morning rocked me. These eyes of mine have cried more in the last year than any man should have to in his life. What's done is done. I told myself, "today is a new day", but once again, somewhere along the path I let my emotions control my destiny.
The court procedure was surprisingly fast. I was home by 10am. I called a few close friends, hoping I could recruit someone to hang out with me. I didn't have much luck, so I put out a few more calls in an attempt to get a group of guys to go out and party tonight. Most of my friends are married and or have kids, so the short notice was no good for all but one. By noon I had only ate a turkey sandwich and a large can of V-8. I decided to get my cardio in, so I biked for 40 minutes. Covered 6.68 miles with an average pace of 10mph. The last mile I picked up Lulu and she did surprisingly well on the leash, considering I was on the bike.
Then my day took a turn for the worse. I started eating. Again, I sort of zoned-out and convinced myself it was okay to eat like an idiot, which I did. I'm to embarrassed to disclose what I consumed. I will say, after the bike ride I went to Sonic. From there I picked up Alison from school and we played at the park for an hour. After that we picked up Preston from daycare and played at the house till Erin showed up.
Not sure what happened, but Erin was being totally nice. She showed up with a Sonic sweet tea, which she knows I love. Normally Erin gets the kids stuff together as soon as she get here, but today she visited with us before leaving. She even went as far as getting some cleaning supplies and tried to get a stain out of the carpet. What the fuck is that all about? It seemed like we were back to being best friends, yet less than 8-hours earlier we were both standing in front of a judge. Am I the only one that thinks this is a little weird? One of my friends made sense of it. She said that even though I do not understand, Erin had a weight lifted off her shoulders. Admittedly... I can see what she means.
There was a feeling of "failure" from the prior night and afternoon binge. Even though I wasn't hungry I had a large supper. Once again, I don't want to disclose the food, but it was take out from Berry Hill Mexican Cafe. Other than that, no other food, but I have made an assault on some soda that has been in the refrigerator since I started the diet.
You might ask, "so, where does this leave you"?
Tomorrow is a new day. While writing todays notes, I have stopped several times to reflect on my thoughts. It almost feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, similar to what my friend suggested. For the first time I can admit I am an emotional eater and I recognized it. The problem is that I have not channelled the emotion(s) which trigger me to eat into something positive. Instead, I turn to my only vice, FOOD. I consciously allow myself to say it is okay to eat because "poor lil' Bill had a bad day". This is the type of bull-shit response you would expect from a 10-year old! It's has to STOP. I'm sick and tired, of being sick and tired.
Indeed, tomorrow is a new day.
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